Walk/Stand

Hit the button once.
Select "yes"
the mellow coffee beats go silent
Vivaldi's seasons arise from the desolate terminal.

I like to flip one light switch at a time.
The abrupt absence of light when I flip all three
leaves me feeling uneasy.

There are six moving walkways between me and my destination.
Money tucked away in a rickety bag on wheels
I'm off.

My body unleashes a spasm as my foot hits the metal beneath.
My knees ache
but not nearly as much as my heart.

I take this time
between coffee machines and money depositories
to think of you.

I think of how you looked at me
lips parted and eyes glazed with fresh tears
how you told me you wanted me
and how I feel now.

I'm searching and fighting to pry you open
to see, to hear, to know what it is you feel.
My reach only goes so far.

Shame on me.

I have an inkling that I might have a feeling.

My feelings don't have thoughts
I don't get the luxury of sitting them down
asking what their origin is
and figuring out how to make some grow
or send some packing

Sometimes I wonder why I try so hard
trying to force the eviction of worry
working so hard to move the pieces into place

I keep hearing people ask, "What do you need?"
A guess or two will do
but first
I need to sort out these feelings

See, the negative feelings
they breed when left dormant
avoidance is their foreplay
and isolation is their playground
all the positive is shoved under a dusty pile of memories

Hacking away I tear at my self imposed barriers
Am I looking too hard?
No.
Here I am
Sitting strong
Appreciating all facets of me
Breathing life into my happiness

There is Here

No longer caught in a tempest of variables
wading through violent waters

I walk with my head held high
knowing that I don't need to fear you or yours
I don't worry about them
I find the words
words I couldn't fathom uttering winters past

My hair is sheared
My gait determined
My eyes unbarred
I'm on a mission

Just a little bit faster
ear buds tucked under a white rabbit trimmed hat
the bass line brings me closer
nearing a destination

No longer compelled by what was once unknown
This destination
a destination of my choice.

Stands for Comfort

The tone of my voice answers your inquiry
Sitting transparent on a dumpster chair
Listening and squinting
trying to find something tangible
"No, I'm not upset. It's cold out. Makes my nose all funny."
The knowing chuckle on the other end blows my cover

How is it
that you know without knowing?
that you can hear all that is not said?
that your words send comfort directly to my core?
"You're worth it.
You're beautiful.
Keep your chin up and stay true."
Simple statements
but
when they come from you there is no denying the truth.

You've known me for twenty three years.
Watched me grow
Watched me fall
Held my hand when I tried in vain to hastily put the pieces back together
Nodded when I needed that extra nudge
Made light when all I could see was darkness
Offered me forgiveness when I didn't feel deserving

You are not my rock or anchor
You are my beacon
When I venture into the wilderness
determined to do it on my own
I see you shine from the distance
a comforting glow

Friends may come as fast as they go
Lovers leave in a flash
but
you are there.
When I need you.

I need you.

Tumble and Turn

Not that long ago
I surrounded myself in synthesized reality
Drowning in my own inability to feel
Disturbed by my compulsion to destroy

I held my head high as I stomped out the flame
Fancied myself an independent woman
Looking over my shoulder for none

I laid at the bottom of the stairs
Thinking everyone slips
Knowing I should have been more careful

I stared at the cobwebs in the corner
Clutching already blackened knees
Hearing the soft snap of glass breaking beneath my shoulder blade

Being alone takes new meaning
today

Sensory Feast

Glasses entangled on a dusty dashboard.
Aching within as I can't move fast enough.
Like an animal
I pounce.
Our lips collide.
Cadence increases
we're nearly out of time.
Pause,
retract to lock my gaze with yours.
I don't want to escape
I want to exist fully in this moment.
Savor all of the beautiful brilliance
radiating from each and every one of your pores.
My fingers tracing the contours of your face
eye brow to the crease on your stubbled cheek
finding a home at the tip of your lips.
What carnal desire once was
is now portrayed as unrivaled tenderness.
Caught in rapture.
Willing to yield.
I am yours.

Cyborg Envy

Bits of my existence are strewn across a flimsy table in the heart St Paul.
I bathed today but my appearance is not in harmony with the recent submergence into a sudsy haven.
The skyways filter many a tailored suit.
Woman's heels click clack as they pair up for an end of the day latte.
I find myself shifting in my chair. Feeling as if they're about to converge on me and I can't pinpoint the best means of escape.
It was only a week or so ago
standing awkwardly in between two former high school classmates
I had a conversation that appeared irrelevant at the time.
They're working in tall glass buildings in big cities.
Is that where I want to be?
Making more money so I can spend more money?
Nine to five
Two weeks paid vacation
Benefits
More expenses
More money
Leather pumps
Pants hemmed
Polish.
I've been programmed.
At some point in my life I started to believe this is where I belong. Milling about with my messenger bag and knock off designer shoes. Blond highlights in my chemically saturated hair and a knack for eying people down the tip of my nose.
What happens to these people? Was their wiring altered before or after they thumb tacked a picture of a loved one on the fuzzy temporary cubicle wall?
Maybe I'm generalizing.
Looking at people, judging people, finding it hard to believe that I'd be happy in their shoes.
Maybe I'm jealous.
I didn't follow the flow...
High School - College
College - "Normal" Job
Job - Babies (Marriage post-baby is now an option...go figure.)
Perhaps these people I see milling around have more financial stability.
But something keeps swirling around my mind...
How much does it cost to look the part you're trying (fighting) to play?
I look at myself as I look at these people and I think I know the answer.
I'd rather be right where I am, thanks.